She Hulk

I want to know your stories! What you've accomplished, overcome and struggled with. I want to use this blog to share stories of others so I'll begin with mine. I know that many people I pass on the street each day have been involved in, or have known someone that's endured abuse. Please know that you are not alone and that there is always hope for a better day!“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” –Redmoon

As a sexual assault survivor many people have complimented my bravery and courage. I never understood how I could possibly seem brave. It has been years since my sexual assault but I still have bouts of paralyzing fear, terrifying flashbacks and moments when I just want to give up hope. But, I will never give up! That’s what my attacker would want. He would want to see me fail and hurt and be miserable the rest of my life so that he could keep having control over me. I refuse to give him that power. In the years since my assault I have endured many painful things and I have overcome even more. Mere months after my violent sexual assault by a masked serial rapist, my step-dad left our family and then my biological father died. That was the point when I no longer felt I had the strength to go on. I didn’t want to hurt myself but I just wanted a break from life. I made some bad choices that made things even worse. I became a pill addict, believing that my only peace could be found from a prescription drug high. I also experienced severe bulimia. Somehow I thought with enough puking I could rid myself of all the pain inside. I went to counselor after counselor, I tried to keep job after job until I realized that I wasn’t living. I had let myself turn into a victim rather than a survivor. I checked myself into an out-patient treatment clinic to get help with my pill addiction, I started volunteering with STAR as a survivor speaker, I began doing the things I enjoyed again like acting and singing in local productions, I went on a musical theatre tour performing in over 40 states, I chose a wonderful supportive boyfriend, I renewed broken relationships with family and friends and I finally began valuing myself again. I didn’t change overnight. I still struggle and I still hurt but caring more about myself and the other survivors out there have brought back my joy. Hope and courage have kept my heart alive. Please never give up on yourselves. Do not let the person who hurt you continue to cause you pain for the rest of your lives. We have to support each other and lift each other up. We are not victims. We are survivors!

***Update! This was originally written in 2008. Since then, I have performed in many shows, traveled and recently got engaged to an amazing man! Oh, and I'm expecting a super beautiful baby in March 2011. Life is still full of ups and downs but the highers are higher and I'm still on my continuous quest to show that hope, love and strength are prevalent and possible! LOVE!