Vixen

Interview #16 – Anonymous aka Vixen

I smiled as I came through the restaurant door. There she was sporting her eccentric stylish threads. Her hair was the perfect combo of messy yet attractive. How is she able to buy vintage thrift store clothes and end up always looking awesome? Her red rimmed glasses and dimples made her so fun to sit across from.

I had an amazing time listening to her “ramble”, as she put it. Her mind is full of information and love. It was a blessing to get a peek into her head. Her compassion goes far beyond her own personal community. When speaking of courage she discussed the true fighters that are surviving in countries with war, refugees, starving people that live day to day in hardship that most of us Americans have no concept of. It was eye opening and refreshing to hear someone who cares for the world, not just themselves.

She has done a lot of work in the community with sexual assault survivors and other victims of abuse. Through her work with others she was able to open her eyes to the bad times in her life that she’d been pushing away and blaming herself for. As she was counseling these girls she began seeing herself in their stories and from there she started to understand that she had endured some events in her life that were wrong and should not have happened.

Vixen was raised by a psychologically twisted father. She witnessed him abusing her mother on many occasions and to this day she has to listen to her mother defend him and make excuses for his behavior. I could see Vixen struggle as she described her childhood. I know how hard it is to talk about the bad choices our parents make and how that has affected our lives. As much as they may hurt us we still love them. But Vixen is very intelligent and knows enough to understand that sharing her pain can help someone else.

“I feel like I was sexually abused growing up, but the part that is concrete in my mind was psychological sexual abuse, coupled with physical abuse. Without getting into too much detail, he would do serious power/control shit with major sexual overtones, and then be violent. So while I'm not sure what happened, I know things did, and they definitely had a sexual component to them,” she told me.

She grew up in constant fear of her father sexually abusing her. There is a part of her that believes he did but she can’t specifically recall so she’d hate to falsely accuse him. I have researched a lot about repressed memories. I know that when a child goes through trauma it is very common to repress those experiences because kids don’t have the capacity to understand it or deal with it and our brains are kind enough to push those thoughts away so that we can still be a kid. Some people go through their entire life not remembering; others end up having violent flashbacks years later. I felt a lot of anger hearing that her dad asked her mom in front of her and her brother which one of them was going to teach the kids to masturbate. Also, the time her father said not to worry about his creepy friend because she wasn’t “hot” enough to be this grown man’s type. I hope her father didn’t hurt but I do think its okay for her to feel that maybe he did.

Vixen had some difficult relationships, as most of us had. I want to talk about one in particular because this is similar to what I’ve heard from other people and I want them to know it happens and it’s not okay. In college she started dating someone. He was nice enough and smart but when it came to sex he only wanted it when she didn’t. I’m not talking about having a rough day or a headache, I’m talking about pushing someone one when they are asleep or completely unwilling. She had to literally fight him off on more than one occasion but since he gave up each time she figured he wasn’t hurting her because his attempts weren’t successful. I personally see that as attempted date rape but I know that when you like someone and you’re in the situation all lines become blurry. Thankfully she got herself out of that poor relationship.

Today Vixen is so powerful. Her mind and soul have a capacity I rarely see in someone. Friends and strangers constantly confide in her. During our time together I shared things with her that no one knows about my life. In listening to her I was inspired and reminded of my own strength which is what I was hoping to show to her. Hopefully I did! She has a heart for both victims and abusers. I found that very interesting. She has a vast understanding that we are all people, we all mistakes and we all should be loved. I poked and prodded about that a little bit because while I agree that people who do bad things deserve forgiveness I do not think that some of them should be allowed in society after certain crimes such as molesting children, etc. She agreed but she wishes that instead of jail they could be sent into the wilderness or a farm where they can plant potatoes and still do positive things for society. I think she might make a pretty decent Queen.

I looked at her, wishing that our time together didn’t have to end yet, “What advice would you give to other people that are recovering from or going through the same things you have?”

“A good friend of mine told me a quote that I always try to remember, ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’ I have faith that we have strong unwavering souls. We all need to be thankful for the lessons we learn from the bad. When I’m in a dark depressed place I reach for goals and little reminders that I’m still in motion.”

Vixen reminded me that we all have a responsibility to help each other, especially those of us that are more blessed than others. Thank you so much for all the help you’re sending out into the world. You have the ability, intelligence, soul and faith to make profound changes in our world. Please don’t ever stop believing in that! You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met!